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ArJewTino

“Latins are tenderly enthusiastic. In Brazil, they throw flowers at you. In Argentina, they throw themselves." -- Marlene Dietrich

As an alcoholic, I’m offended by kickball: A satirical guest blog by Baby Bien

I have spent the majority of this past decade slowly destroying my liver with copious amounts of alcohol. I have never discriminated against any beverage unless it brought harm to me. But as I have gotten older, I have been forced to move on from collegiate antics. I no longer drink 20 Busch Lights in one sitting, nor do I engage in epic beer pong tournaments. My taste in drinks has gotten more expensive (too bad my salary does not comply all of the time) and I can no longer binge drink like I used to. My drinking is now a marathon, not a sprint. I want to be the first one at the bar, and the last one to leave. I want to remember why I am drinking; not forget that I did. And this is why as an alcoholic, I am offended by kickball.

On the surface, joining the kickball league was great. I like to kick balls and run around. I also like to drink. After our first game, I arrived at the bar and I was completely overwhelmed. People in their 20s (and 30s, Arjewtino) getting their drink on. I saw endless pitchers of Coors Light supplying the required beer for flip-cup.

I gave up light beer years ago (probably when I gave up drinking games). These people were drinking crappy beer after crappy beer with some Car Bombs in between to class things up. They were drinking to have fun, bond with their teammates, and, maybe, if they were lucky, hook up with one of them.

Well, that's not for me. My drinking is self-medication. I need it to hide from my demons and make me dwell on things from my past that I wish that I had done if only I wasn't too drunk or hungover. Without alcohol, I would not remember these things. I would not be able to live my life in the past, if it were not for the sweet nectar of the adult beverage Gods.

I cannot believe that these kickballers are using beer and liquor for joy, pleasure, and happiness. Maybe I just matured faster than them. One day they will see things like I do.

I cannot wait until I turn 27.
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