I’m breaking up with Woody Allen
Things have gotten so bad lately. I don’t think I can do this anymore. When we first started out, there was so much promise. Remember when I first saw Annie Hall in college? It was immediate love. I thought, “Finally, I’ve met someone who understands me.” But I was so young and naïve. It was like some kind of whirlwind as we hurled through life and love in Manhattan, shared some stupid laughs in Take the Money and Run, and even got serious in Crimes and Misdemeanors.
Zelig cracked me up like no other and Love and Death still brings a smile to my face. You taught me so much, even making me watch Everyone Says I Love You despite my hatred of musicals.
But somewhere along the way, you changed. I guess it all started with Small Time Crooks. Not sure what that was all about. And The Curse of the Jade Scorpion? What the hell? I started to feel hurt and resentful that this was all you could give. I kept giving you a shot, but Hollywood Ending made me nearly walk out on you all together.
I saw some flashes of the old days, Woody, in Melinda and Melinda and even Match Point (I know now Scarlett Johannson was the reason).
But after watching Scoop last night, I know now that it’s over. We need to call it quits before things get worse. Scoop is NOT what I want out of this relationship and you just don’t seem to understand that. You used to care, really CARE about me. Your movies inspired me, made me talk about you to all my friends, and felt so carefree and easy.
Please, don’t be upset. This hurts me just as much as I’m sure it hurts you. But even Scarlett in a bathing suit wasn’t good enough to save the crapfest that was Scoop.
Don’t make this any harder than it is by reminding me of your upcoming Cassandra’s Dream, Woody. I want to think of the Woody who “lurved” Diane Keaton, who heard that Dissent and Commentary merged and formed Dissentary, and who talked about how even your worst orgasm “was right on the money”.
You may have said it best in Annie Hall: “A relationship, I think, is like a shark. You know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies. And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.”
We’ve got a dead shark, Woody.
So I wish you luck in the future but I don’t want you to think that we have one. I’m sure I’ll hear about you at Cannes and I may think of you from time to time. But I’ll think of the Woody who slipped on large banana peels in Sleeper and NOT the Woody who cast Jason Biggs in Anything Else.
You’ll always have a place in my heart, Woody. Just not at the box office.
P.S. The painting of Woody above was done by a friend of my brother’s named Preston, whose amazing artwork can be found at: http://www.pmsartwork.freeservers.com/