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ArJewTino

“Latins are tenderly enthusiastic. In Brazil, they throw flowers at you. In Argentina, they throw themselves." -- Marlene Dietrich

Argentina vs. Guatemala: Not a fair fight

During last Thursday night's blogger happy hour, Throwing Hammers came up to me and asked me if there was a bitter rivalry between myself and El Guapo in DC. Gringos often don't understand the subtle intricacies of Latino blogger relationships, so I explained to Hammer that Guatemalans are often envious of Argentineans for a variety of reasons.

To further explain, I decided to pit El Guapo’s country against mine by comparing nothing but the most objective of measures, as determined by myself. To make this fair and balanced, I decided not to ask for EG's input since everyone knows Guatemalans can't be trusted.

Test One: Futbol

Take a look at the following side-by-side images of our countries’ respective futbol jerseys. Admire the beauty and splendor of Argentina's sky-blue vertical stripes on the left. Be awed by the two gold stars above the team crest, indicating its glorious World Cup victories in 1978 and 1986.

Guatemala's jersey on the right looks like it belongs to the country's international bowling team. And it has never qualified for any World Cup.

Advantage: Argentina

Test Two: Facial Hair

My beard/'stache combo can become so wild if I don't trim it for a week that The Princess describes the long hairs as "face pubes". EG blogs often about his glorious moustache “that makes flowers grow” and is obviously very proud of his pushbroom. I have never met EG, but I imagine this photograph depicts what he might look like. Very cool.

Advantage: Guatemala

Side note: This month is Moustachuary, heralded as the "time of the moustache". During this celebratory month, all who are able to are to grow the most respectable moustache they can.

Test Three: Culture

Argentina is known for its European-like cities and architecture, tango music and dance, and amazing food and wine. Guatemala was named the "first cultural destination in the world". Ooh, too bad. The British, despite bringing us The Office, spotted dick, and imperialism, bombed the ARA General Belgrano Navy cruiser while it was IN RETREAT during the Guerra de las Malvinas in 1982. I wouldn’t want their devious endorsement.

Advantage: Argentina

Test Four: Religion

Guatemala's government protects its country's Mayan ruins by providing altars at each site and allowing traditional ceremonies to be performed. Argentina’s government protected Nazis at the end of World War II.

Advantage: Guatemala

Test Five: Vacation Spot

Argentina is a well traveled country that attracts thousands of tourists who, if they manage not to get mugged or killed, become lifelong Argy-philes. Between the beauty of Buenos Aires, the wine region of Mendoza, and the unique destination spots of Bariloche and Perito Moreno, Argentina is chock-full of places everyone wants to visit. Its 3-to-1 exchange rate also makes visiting very financially advantageous for Americans, provided they don't get robbed of their life savings.

No one ever says he or she just came back from Guatemala (except for The Princess, who loves it there). Tourists would much rather go to Belize, anyway.

Advantage: Argentina



Test Six: Independence

Argentina gained independence from Spain in 1810 during the historic May Revolution. The political and social events occurred in Buenos Aires and directly led to the liberation of Argentina AND three other countries. Guatemala didn't have the balls to copy-cat Argentina until 11 years later, and even then only as an annexation to the Mexican Empire.

Advantage: Argentina

Test Seven: Blogging

Guatemala produced El Guapo in DC, one of the most consistently funny, creative, and witty bloggers in DC. Argentina produced a vain moron who likes to make lists.

Advantage: Guatemala

Winner: Argentina, 4-3.

This impartial, dispassionate comparison makes it clear that Argentina is the better of the two countries, but not by much. We should all understand El Guapo’s jealousy and not make him feel any worse than he already does.

P.S. My planned trip to Guatemala this summer may influence future considerations.
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