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ArJewTino

“Latins are tenderly enthusiastic. In Brazil, they throw flowers at you. In Argentina, they throw themselves." -- Marlene Dietrich

Burkina Faso is the new Nigeria

I recently received an e-mail from a bank manager in Burkina Faso who wants to transfer $5.6 million to my U.S. bank account – get this – for nothing!

Now, I know what you’re all thinking. I’ve hit the motherload! And you’re right, I have. I’m going to be rich beyond my wildest dreams! I’ll be able to light cigars with $100 bills and light those $100 bills with $1,000 bills! I’ll be able to pay full price at JCPenney! I’ll be able to afford an IPhone!

I know, I know, I’ve heard about the Nigeria e-mail scam, but this e-mail was sent from a man named Mohamed Buba from Burkina Faso. There’s no way these things are related. First of all, I have a friend from Burkina Faso and he’s never tried to cheat me. And second, their country’s official language is French, so they HAVE to be legit. You say “specious reasoning”, I say “smart decision-making”.


Here’s how I know this e-mail is real.

1. I am an incredibly wise financial planner, so it’s no surprise Mr. Buba contacted me. I only apply for credit cards when they offer me free blankets or keychains, I always bet on red in roulette, and I use the password “password” for my online accounts because no one would ever guess it. I never went to B-school (that’s slang for “business school”, Blue), but this sounds like what we like to call “a sure thing”.

2. In the e-mail, Mr. Buba says he’s a “Foreign Remmittance Manager”. I don’t know what that is or why he misspelled the word “remittance”, so that must mean he’s a really smart guy.

3. He’s from Ouagadougou, which I looked up on Wikipedia and is correctly identified as the capital of Burkina Faso. If this e-mail were a scam, Mr. Buba wouldn’t have known that.

4. Mr. Buba explains that he’s “transfering the left over funds $5.6 million of one of my bank deceased client”. Despite misspelling the word “transferring”, separating the word “leftover”, and referring to his cash cow as a “bank deceased client”, he clearly made his point. These “errors” in spelling, syntax, and the entire laws of grammar may SEEM like the rantings of a madman, but they are part of a calculating ruse to throw off other investors not nearly as savvy as myself. Well done, Mr. Buba.

5. This financial windfall is mine for the taking thanks to the death of Mr. Buba’s “bank deceased client”, who, he explains, was killed when his “sharter plane” crashed “on mount kenyan in the kenyan city of sumburu on 21st july,2003”. I don’t know what a “sharter plane” is, but I think everyone’s been in the position where you’re farting and you accidentally take a shit, hence, sharting. Mr. Buba obviously empathizes with the plight of his fellow man, which I find attractive in a Foreign Remmittance Manager from West Africa.


This is how I imagine I will emerge from my "sharter plane" when I am wealthy

6. Mr. Buba goes so far as to provide a Web link to the CNN story of the “21st july,2003” crash, so I can, even if I’m doubting him for any strange reason at this point, verify his story for myself. He’s like the human equivalent of Progressive Auto Insurance, which gives you the quotes of other insurance companies as well as theirs so you can decide for yourself which company is the most affordable. That’s just good business sense.

7. Finally, Mr. Buba tells me he is “inviting [me] for a business deal where this money can be shared between us in the ratio 60/40 if you agree to my business proposal.” Brilliant, Mr. Buba, absolutely brilliant. He’s not only fair and forthcoming with his offer, he leaves it up to me to decide who will be the “60” and who will be the “40” in this partnership. I think I’ll take the “60”.

Do not despair that I received this business opportunity and you didn’t. Go back to your menial jobs where you actually have to “earn” money and know that I reaped the rewards of being a smart businessman.

Maybe someday I’ll fly you on my “sharter plane”.

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