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ArJewTino

“Latins are tenderly enthusiastic. In Brazil, they throw flowers at you. In Argentina, they throw themselves." -- Marlene Dietrich

Freedom is a wheel in your sole

For years, I have watched with raging envy kids skating on their sneakers. Like Transformers, these children would run around, doing whatever kids do, when suddenly and without warning, they would rear back on their heels and glide across the floor.

I soon learned that the footgear these kids were using were called Heelys. And all I could think of was, “I WANT A PAIR.”

I know I’m not 10 years old. I know I’m supposed to be thinking about adult things like financial planning, career advancement, and the housing market. My “kid time” expired long ago, and with it my inherent permission to talk with my mouth full, eat gobs of candy, and throw temper tantrums.

But I want a pair of Heelys. I NEED them. Like tech-geeks need an IPhone, like the desert needs the rain.

Look at these things. What otherwise rational person over the age of 17 can view them and NOT wish they had them when they were young? Of course, the only people you see in them are “children”, or as I like to call them, “ungrateful little snots”.

But why are they just for kids? Why can’t a 31-year-old professional in DC lace up a pair, head down to the Smithsonian museums, and skate down their long, smooth hallways? Why should I be punished for being 20 years older than Heelys’ target demographic?

Here are five reasons why I think I should buy Heelys

1. Our children are spoiled enough. Between Wiis, cell phones, and a premature sense of entitlement, our children are growing up thinking THEY are the ones who run the show. Frankly, these snotrags are getting too big for their britches and I need to knock them down a peg or four. Buying a pair of Heelys will show them that adults rule the world and we can take away their toys whenever we want.

2. The coolness factor. I am pretty much the coolest guy I know. I’m also the coolest guy you know. But I need an extra niche to prove just how cool I really am. Nothing says “cool” more than watching a man in his 30s shunning adult responsibilities and using a child’s toy in broad daylight. With one purchase, I’ll instantly become that aviator sunglasses-wearing, Tryst-patronizing, velvet blazer-wearing, soy latte-drinking hipster guy who hangs out at Wonderland on the weekends, sews No Blood for Oil patches on his raggedy backpack, and talks about the next show at the Black Cat. I know INSTANT coolness credentials.

3. Think of all the DC tourists I could scare. People visiting the nation’s capital already make the summers difficult for us. They clog up our Metro trains and escalators, mispronounce L’Enfant Plaza, and wear fanny packs. A local reminder to Jim Bo Bob and family to make room on the sidewalks for adult men flying past them on Heelys might keep them away the following year.

4. I’m an amazing skater. Rollerskating, rollerblading, skateboarding, or ice skating. What do these activities have in common? I’m amazingly gifted at them. I should be allowed to master another of the art forms of skating. I never want to hear anyone say, “Sure, Arjewtino can hockey-stop like Gretzky and play rollerhockey blindfolded, but can he Heely?” I'm also good at doing the Hokey-Pokey.

5. The Heelys’ inventor is older than me. Roger Adams invented these things when he was 45 after a divorce and a midlife crisis. If a man approaching 50 can take a spin around the block with them, I can, too.
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