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“Latins are tenderly enthusiastic. In Brazil, they throw flowers at you. In Argentina, they throw themselves." -- Marlene Dietrich

Ask a Late Night Shots member

Whenever I need prudent counsel, I turn to the only people in DC who matter: Late Night Shots members. These sages of insight, these tour guides of good judgment, are the Sherpas of our time – only more privileged and with deeper pockets.

For those who don’t know, Late Night Shots is an exclusive social network whose members – most of who I assume are Republican, wannabe-Ivy League, Yankees fans who TOTALLY love their fraternities/sororities – must be invited by an existing member. Collectively, they have been a controversial group, angering Wonkette for their general douchebaggery and drawing Why I Hate DC’s ire for their stance on Take Back the Night.

But, every so often, LNSers show strokes of Solomonic reasoning that go beyond their smug self-satisfaction and lifelong sense of entitlement. They share nuggets of wisdom gathered by a lifetime of struggle (e.g., didn’t get a Lexus for 16th birthday) and personal growth (e.g., accepted to Georgetown thanks to daddy’s connections).

Here are a few questions I had recently. I turned to the LNS Forums for guidance:

Is it ok to keep old love letters and photos from ex-girlfriends?

“Yeah, there’s nothing wrong with a few love letters, maybe some old nail clippings, locks of pubic hair, nothing wrong with that at all.” -- Bob Wiley

“I hang on to all pictures and store them in a box in my closet. That is where they will remain until the day comes when my kid decides to talk sh-t to his old man. Then I’ll bring out the box and show him how awesome I was and tell him stories of my conquests.” -- man law

My girlfriend and I trust each other but share our computers. How do you balance trust with one’s right to privacy?

I don’t use my gf’s computer for that very reason. I trust her to not cheat on me, but I would never trust her to not snoop, and I couldn’t blame her if she did. With that said, if she ever touches my computer, she gets her hands chopped off.” -- bummer

How do I know if I’m drinking too much?

“My life would be horrible without drinking. None of my friends tell me to stop because they are all telling me to drink more. I haven’t ever missed work, but I have definitely thrown up at it.” -- 1

“When I was dating, I (somewhat successfully) tried to keep up the appearance that I wasn’t a raging alcoholic…My advice–don’t be afraid to go through two bottles of wine at dinner” -- Ken Noisewater

“I would rather drink myself into a coma at some dive bar, piss myself, possibly upchuck on my own loins and wake up while it’s still light out and do it again.” -- The Taquito Bandito

How should we handle the Middle East crisis?

“We should do a Berlin airlift of pornography over the Middle East. They should be exposed to the pleasure of banging it out, and seeing T&A in the streets, and at 'Good Guys Rhiyadd'. -- Curtis Lemay

“Why did Jesus put all our oil over there anyway?” -- Aggressive Nutmegger

Thanks, LNS. I look forward to your advice in the future.

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